Monday, September 9, 2013

RIP my sweet grandma

This is one of the hardest posts I have made.
I considered not, but want you to have memories of her even till the last day.
Sep 5, ( my brothers birthday) thur morning you woke me up to feed you around 730am like usual, after you fell back asleep I glanced at my phone for the time and saw a missed call and a voicemail from my mom from ten min ago.
My mom has never called me that early for no reason.
I knew right at that second that something really bad has happened, I knew one of my grandparents has passed.
Iv been dreading this phone call for so many years now as I knew one day it would come.
I immediately felt sick to my stomach and couldn't breath.
I  ran out to the hall way and screamed for your dads name, ( he was downstairs heading out to work).
I collapsed down in the corner and listened to the voicemail.
My mom was crying so hard I couldn't understand, all she kept saying was my name.
I felt so sick I couldn't even cry, I called my mom back and asked. " mom who?? Grandpa or grandma.???? Who?? My mom couldn't even catch her breath to tell me, she kept crying and saying my name, and finally she said. 
" Lena, Lena oh god I lost my mom today !! my sweet mom is gone today! oh god" and continued to weep. 
As  your dad sat terrified next to me not knowing exactly who or what happened. I finally told him, I grabbed my keys and ran over to my moms. 
We booked our flights to Chicago Immediately to be next to my grandpa and been here since then.

I felt like it was all a dream, I didn't really even feel like I was in my body, to say the least I was in a weird shock.
iv never had anyone close to me die, never been to a funeral. 
Today I will be attending my grandmas. Your great grandmas.
I can't put into words, how I feel or how much I loved her, ( love her).
I can't explain right now how close I was with her and what a big part of my life she was,
I can't explain every memory that is running through my head with her in it.
Thinking of every summer, birthday, and holiday I spent with her. 

My dads parents died when I was really young so I never got a chance to know them but my grandma ( grandparents ) helped raised my brother and I. Most of all my happy childhood memories were with them. 

She was  diagnosed with Alzheimer's about 3 yrs ago and started to decline quickly in the past year. 

The morning of the 5th she woke up went to the restroom, my grandpa helped her back in bed and moments later she peacefully passed  away with my grandpa by her side.

I want to tell you about all the amazing things about her, but the anticipation of the funeral today makes it hard to say anything else right now.
My heart feels broken and I feel a knot in my stomach. And I strangely enough feel a certain calm and peace right now like she is still here ( maybe she is). 
I'm suppose to speak at her funeral today but honestly don't think I will be able to.
Not sure I'm ready to say goodbye out loud just yet. So this is also why I'm writing. Maybe to help with today. Not sure.

  I will write more about her and all the good times but have to go now.

You got to meet her one time 9 months ago, here are some pictures as I will put up more ltr 

This is a short video of her holding you for the first time 

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